The Ultimate Sex is about enjoying the ride and not focusing on the destination. By managing your state of arousal, you can feel a high degree of pleasure for an unlimited amount of time (see Managing Your Pleasure Meter).
Whether you are a woman who is approaching orgasm but wants to delay it in order to deepen it or you are a man looking to attain an orgasm but avoid ejaculating, you may need to use a Holdback Technique to cool yourself down a little. One of the most powerful and simple Holdback Techniques relies on a little-known mind-body connection.
Chicken and Egg
Our intuition tells us that connections between mind and body only work in one direction: Our brain takes in information, real or imagined. This provokes an emotional response, which in turn leads to a physical response.
Let’s take an example: Someone helps you with something that was troubling you. This makes you feel relieved and happy and you begin to smile. The feelings of relief and happiness in the mind created the physical smile in the body.
What most people don’t know is that the reverse can also be true. If you are in a grumpy mood you are probably wearing a big frown on your face. But if you force yourself to smile, you can begin to trigger endorphins in your brain. This in turn can make you begin to feel happy. A physical smile can create a feeling of happiness in the mind.
So how can we use this as a Holdback Technique?
Managing Your Breath
As we begin to approach orgasm, our heartbeat quickens and our breath becomes faster and shallower. We don’t have a lot of direct control over our heartbeat but we do have control over our breath. The breath is the key.
This is how you put it all into practice: As you feel yourself approaching orgasm, check in on your breath and heartbeat. If you are already in the present moment this should be easy to do (see Sex as a Meditation). If you notice that your breath has become quick and shallow, make a conscious effort to change it. Instead of quick and shallow, try to breathe as deeply and as slowly as possible. As your heart rate begins to slow you can slow your breathing further without feeling out of breath.
Consciously altering your breathing in this way creates the same type of mind-body conflict as smiling when you are in a grumpy mood. Your body wants to be in balance so your state of arousal will begin to drop to a level that is more in line with your breathing.
Holdback Techniques work best if your state of arousal isn’t rising too quickly and you haven’t reached the point of no return.